Defeated

I haven't posted for the last little while because, to be totally honest, I was doing great! I had a few days where I was feeling stiff and in pain, but other than the usual morning stiffness that I have become accustomed to, I was feeling pretty darn good.

I have been continuing to smoke and eat marijuana and see positive changes. In the back of my head, I assumed that my RA had gone into remission, and that I wouldn't have to feel the pain that I had been feeling before starting to smoke, ever again.

I was very, very wrong. I noticed a few days ago that some of my joints were becoming harder and harder to use. My hips, knees, ankles, hands and wrists were stiff and required a little bit more patience than normal. My fingers were becoming harder to use, making me feel clumsy and causing me to drop things, or not hold them at all. I thought that it had to do with the hot, humid weather and lack of sleep.

Today I feel like my RA was waiting silently in some distant part of my body for the last month and a half. Maybe it was waiting for me to feel like I had won, and I truly felt like I had defeated this. That I would never have to feel the constant pain again. That I would never, ever again have to let RA interfere with my life.

Today it feels like my world is crashing down on me all at once. My fingers and wrists are visibly swollen and hot to the touch. I hurt, and I hurt a lot. It feels like I was given the best thing in the entire world and then told that it would never really be mine. I feel defeated and tricked by my own body, my enemy and my friend. I just want to curl up into a small dark hole and believe that I can hide from RA.

Maybe I shouldn't be complaining, and I truly apologize if I have annoyed anyone...I just had to get this out.