Sunday, July 24, 2011

Positive thinking??

I have always been the type of person who constantly looks for the positive outcome in any situation, the person who never loses hope. In a way this has really helped me through the rough flares in RA, but I am wondering if I may have been slightly delusional about my entire outlook on my situation.

My positive thinking mind assumed that one day, this will all just go away. No more pain. No more inflammation. No more stiffness. No more RA. I had it in my mind that this, too, would pass, just like any illness I have had. I outgrew my asthma, and I guess I was thinking I would eventually outgrow RA, too. Well, it seems like my perception on this is slightly off.

I've had RA for close to 9 years now. I've had moments of remission where I was convinced that I would never again see or experience the pain, inflammation and stiffness(as well as other symptoms of RA) ever again. But like my mother used to tell me 'Never say Never', I should have listened!

I am beginning to see that no matter how much positive thoughts or hope I put into my RA, it is coming back, and getting worse each time. This year is by far the worst year I have ever experienced in terms of pain, although this year has also had a lot of stress due to the loss of my father, a serious issue in my relationship earlier in the year and family issues. So stress plays a role. I know that, and you probably do, too.

Even though there is a quiet voice in my head that reassures me that everything will be okay and work out exactly as it is supposed to...I can't help but hear the other one that says the pain will not go away. Even if it does, I know it will be back at some point. It always does.

Thursday, July 21, 2011


I haven't posted for the last little while because, to be totally honest, I was doing great! I had a few days where I was feeling stiff and in pain, but other than the usual morning stiffness that I have become accustomed to, I was feeling pretty darn good.

I have been continuing to smoke and eat marijuana and see positive changes. In the back of my head, I assumed that my RA had gone into remission, and that I wouldn't have to feel the pain that I had been feeling before starting to smoke, ever again.

I was very, very wrong. I noticed a few days ago that some of my joints were becoming harder and harder to use. My hips, knees, ankles, hands and wrists were stiff and required a little bit more patience than normal. My fingers were becoming harder to use, making me feel clumsy and causing me to drop things, or not hold them at all. I thought that it had to do with the hot, humid weather and lack of sleep.

Today I feel like my RA was waiting silently in some distant part of my body for the last month and a half. Maybe it was waiting for me to feel like I had won, and I truly felt like I had defeated this. That I would never have to feel the constant pain again. That I would never, ever again have to let RA interfere with my life.

Today it feels like my world is crashing down on me all at once. My fingers and wrists are visibly swollen and hot to the touch. I hurt, and I hurt a lot. It feels like I was given the best thing in the entire world and then told that it would never really be mine. I feel defeated and tricked by my own body, my enemy and my friend. I just want to curl up into a small dark hole and believe that I can hide from RA.

Maybe I shouldn't be complaining, and I truly apologize if I have annoyed anyone...I just had to get this out.