Thursday, September 8, 2011


I normally look forward to change and try to embrace it at every possible moment. Change brings challenges, excitement, and opportunity. Change can also bring hardships, pain and mixed emotions, but it's important to remind ourselves that through these moments something positive will unfold.

Right now there is a lot of change going on in my life, and although the change is positive for the most part it is generating some stress. My boyfriend has started college this week and is also working, so we see each other very little now. I have been having flare after flare and struggling to do zippers up, for some reason I am having trouble grasping the zipper and applying enough pressure to zip. My best friend and her boyfriend left for Winnipeg yesterday, and are planning on living there for a few years. I went from having the two most important people in my life close to me, my boyfriend living with me and my best friend literally just down the hardly seeing my boyfriend and I don't know when I will get to see my best friend again.

I know it's silly, but I am also worrying about my boyfriend meeting a more able, thinner, beautiful woman at college...we have a great relationship and have faced a lot together. I feel bad that I am not able to be as energetic, fast and perfect like other people. I can feel myself slowly slipping into a desperate state that I am rarely ever in, a dark place where no one can hear me scream. It makes me feel like crawling under my blankets and never getting up again. But FEELING and DOING are two very different things. I have been here before, and I know that the moment I give into the temptation to curl into bed that I won't get back up. 

Add pain to the mix and I really don't want to do anything. But I can't, so I keep moving. I clean. I turn on some up beat music, dance, sing and organize. I laugh. I cry. I do anything I can that does not involve laying down in bed. And I know that I'll get through this. I will once again embrace change, I just have to see through this now.

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